I’m having an issue that I could use your advice on.
I’m a 24 yo virgin who has never had a boyfriend before. I do get asked out, and I enjoy dating. Of course, guys want to get to sex as soon as possible, so after a few dates it’s nearly always necessary to explain that I am a virgin and want to lose my virginity in a relationship. I took some advice you gave a while back and I say that I look forward to making up for lost time once I feel a sense of security and trust with someone.

I generally prefer what you describe as beta guys, but they seem to get turned off when they learn I’m a virgin. I don’t know if they don’t want the responsibility, they want to get some casual sex, or what, but they go from very attentive to MIA in about ten minutes time. I can literally feel their desire to escape, and I’m really hurt by it. It has gotten to the point where I have thought about getting a boyfriend, any boyfriend, just so that I can have sex and get the whole thing over with. It has become such a burden.

Well, one guy did make it to the finish line — Josh. He’s a really sweet guy, intelligent, talented, and not bad-looking. I was attracted to him when we first met. But he has no dominance at all. He says and does things that totally kill my attraction to him. He’ll say things like, “I feel so grateful that you’re here”. He says that I’m so wonderful, and that he wants to get to know me better. How can he think I’m wonderful if he doesn’t even feel that he knows very well? It’s like he’s doing the same thing I’ve been thinking about – just finding someone to fill a role. I can’t blame him, but I realize how crummy that feels, and I don’t want to be that person, or to do that to him either.

I’m glad that I met a guy who let me move at my own pace, but at the same time Josh was really afraid of making a move. We went on 4 or 5 dates before I got impatient and made the first move and kissed him. We hooked up once (not sex) before he asked me to be his girlfriend, and that time I had to actually tell him that it was okay to hook up with me. I did agree to be in a relationship with him, but I’m feeling sick and guilty about it. He’s had sex with 4 other women (mostly LTRs), plus a few others he’s been intimate with, so it’s not like he’s completely clueless with women.

I like that he’s a really sweet and good beta guy, but he’s put me on a pedestal and it’s getting in the way of any feelings I could have for him. I don’t know if I can bring myself to have sex with him, much less kiss him sometimes, because of how overeager he acts. I don’t want to just toss a good guy to the curb, especially since this is my first relationship. I want to figure out a way to get the initial attraction back, but I don’t know how, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

Should I have sex with him anyway? How can I get him to add a little bit of alpha and stop doing the things that make me less attracted to him?
Sincerely,
Caroline
Hi Caroline,
The first thing I want to say is: Do not have sex with him if you are not attracted to him! You’ve waited this long, it makes no sense to make love with someone whom you do not have sexual feelings for. You won’t enjoy it and frankly, I really don’t see what it buys you. If the virginity is such an issue, you don’t have to mention it to guys you’re dating. Many women express the desire to have sex in the context of a relationship, why even bring up the virginity? It sounds like it’s coming across as TMI – like you’re asking a guy to sign on for life or something. That’s just a guess, but I’ve heard similar stories from other readers. Because it’s unusual, perhaps a lot of guys just don’t know how to respond.

I also think it would be tremendously unfair to him were you to have sex now. He’s probably on Cloud 9 since you agreed to be his girlfriend, and he would be crushed if he knew you were turned off and going through the motions. He does not sound like a guy who would take sex any way he can get it, and he’s going to be looking for bonding behavior from you. It’s just wrong to deceive him if you’re not feeling it. You either have to rekindle the attraction, or reject him.

I hate to see you give up on a good man, so you are going to have to find ways to encourage him to be more dominant. He’s not going to figure this out on his own. This sounds like a real challenge, and it’s not really your job to feed him the red pill. On the other hand, I’m wondering if there are things you can do or say to guide him in that general direction. If he could adopt some dominant behaviors, you could reward them by showing him that you like it, or even that it turns you on. He needs incentives to act dominant, and kicking him to the curb doesn’t help either one of you. At the very least, he’ll learn something very important about female attraction if you can be honest about what you like. But I’m not sure how to get the ball rolling.

I’m going to stop here, and ask the readers to offer suggestions in the comments. I hope they can share what might be most effective as well as generous and helpful. I’m sure there are guys that have been in this boat, and I know there are also women who have relationships with good, earnest guys.